Ophelia's Last Laugh
Michael Conley
Nunnery indeed!
That ain't what you said in the throes of whatever
When you wheedled and whined and begged me to surrender
And told outrageous lies about the size of your member
"Come on, I'll be gentle and skilful and tender"
Then you lasted five minutes and cried straight after
And wouldn't stop whispering the name of your mother…
…When you'd recovered you swore me to secrecy
(To preserve that essential veneer of virginity)
Then you read me some lines of your god awful poetry
And banged on and on about Stoic philosophy
Night after night in this fashion you pestered me
'Til one day I noticed the first flush of pregnancy…
…Which, coincidentally, was the time you decided
To sod off to Uni, which left me divided:
Yes, on the one hand, I was bloody delighted
But your swelling seed was implanted inside me,
Making it harder and harder to hide it
With loose-fitting garments and standing behind things…
…Lucky for me, then, the death of the old king
Brought you straight back, dressed in black, mad and moping
And your outburst allowed me to set about faking
My death: so I grabbed a lady-in-waiting
With a passing resemblance, and took her out boating
And drowned her, and left her in some of my clothing…
I delivered the baby, a boy, by myself while
Everyone else was attending the burial,
And I watched from afar as, unhinged and maniacal,
You arrived and insisted you had loved me after all
Then fought in the trench with my brother – just typical!
It's all about you at my own fucking funeral!
So I fled to the coast with a pile of my father's cash
And hid on a boat filled with bear furs and whale fat
And then, since I had always been quite a resourceful lass,
Dashed to the nearest dashing young royal chap
And said "Hey, it's me! We met at a party last
Spring, you recall? You were drunk and you made a pass –
Meet your son and heir. Let's talk about wedding plans!"
So screw you, Prince Hamlet, 'cos I've had the final laugh
I'm queen and you're dead,
Signed
Mrs O. Fortinbras.
Michael Conley
